That Bombshell and Stuff
Mood:  a-ok
Now Playing: Brian Eno -- Thursday Afternoon

Now that I've had a chance to compare, Brian Eno sounds best in space.

Anyway, so it occurred to me that anyone out there reading this chronicle o' mine might have said at the end of the last entry, "WTF???" That's how it works in my own head, anyway, that WTF. I think I couldn't discuss it until I processed it, which leads to now.

The first thing I had to process was, of course, the guilt factor. After all, technically I'm married. I know I've already been through the whole "will I ever see him again?" thing, but the fact remains that I'm married. So, even though it didn't feel like it at the time, afterwards I felt like I had done something dreadfully wrong. I had cheated on my husband.

But then I thought about who my husband is, the kind and understanding person that he is, and I really don't think he'd hold it against me. He'd be hurt, but he'd get it. Of course, this could all be just my internal justification for the experience, since I can't actually communicate with him (unless he manages to find this blog).

I have to face the idea that we ARE out here for the long haul, that my marriage ended when I boarded this ship. Even if we went back, things would be different. I wasn't able to see John before I left, and though I'm sure my dad filled him in on the situation, he's got his own issues he has to deal with about me leaving. He may also realize that I probably won't come back, and maybe he's moved on.

The point of all this internal hoo-hah is that I don't know. I don't know what the future holds, so I can only deal with the present.

Speaking of the present, I also have to deal with Nhlanhla. In addition to the fact that I still have a hard time remembering how to spell his name, I also barely know the man. I know him well enough to know that he's quiet and kind, that he's a healer, and that I'm attracted to him. But I don't know what the consequences of this action will be on his end. What does he expect? Who will he tell? How might this change the dynamic of the rest of our little group? I'm sure I'm not the only one who's attracted to him...some people around here have been chasing tail so hard it hurts to watch. But I'm pretty sure that I'm the first one he's actually had sex with on this boat. What does it mean? Does it have to mean anything?

Obviously I have to talk to him. For some reason, I'd rather not have this get everywhere until we're sure of what we're doing. I'd especially not like Michael to find out. Justin, I know you've been hanging with him, so no tell, k? I just need to do this on my own, figure out what the hell I'm doing.

Oh, and just for the record, Nhlanhla is an amazing lover. He loves to take it slow, almost too slow, but not quite. But the end of things, I was near screaming. I'm a big fan of that kind of sweet torture, apparently. Would I do it again? It all depends on what it means (or doesn't mean), and there are so many other factors.

What do I want? Who do I want? Does it matter? We're on a spaceship, hurtling through the Cosmos, destination unknown. Are we supposed to breed? Will they let us? Or do they study us and our sexual frenzy until we die?