Something's not right.
Mood:  down
Maybe it's because I haven't been around as much lately, but something seems off. It's like I'm missing somebody. Or maybe it's a part of me. I'm not sure. But something's not right. The air seems more blue than usual.

I got a job!
Mood:  energetic
Topic: alien info

Hi there!

I need to do a massive update on the who's who around here, and what everyone's been up to, but I think I'll save that for later. Right now, I want to talk about the new volunteer job I got!

I had told Jennifer that even though I love having time to write, to socialize, to explore, to read, to catch up, to watch movies, etc., ultimately I was getting bored with my routine. It was getting to the point where even writing palled because I felt like I was writing about the same things over and over, and I certainly don't want to do that! It seems odd that here, on an alien ship with a bunch of new people to get to know and things to learn, I'd be bored. But then I am easily bored. Some days I sit at the little computer in my room and play alien puzzle games all day, or I watch porn. (Human porn, not alien porn. Can't get into the alien porn.) I still have my required one meal a day in the meal room with the others, but there have been many times when that's all I've seen of them.

Anyway, Jennifer asked me if I'd like to help out the scientists with some of their work. I cocked my head at her and asked her what I'd be doing. First she suggested the gardens, and I vehemently shook my head. I've got a brown thumb. Then she suggested working with the human animals that they had on the ship, and again I said no. No scooping poop out of cages, thank you very much.

Then I had a thought. I asked her, "What about alien animals? I know you all have some. Can I work with them?"

"Why would you want to do that?" she asked.

"I dunno, they just look really interesting, so working with them would keep me better occupied," I said.

She looked above me, and I knew she was consulting the Oversoul or whatever, the Drew le' tor group mind. Then she smiled to herself. The smile seemed more than a little eerie, but then I don't think the Drew le' tor ever got the hang of smiling anyway. It's not one of their natural facial expressions.

"That is acceptable," she said, finally. "When would you like to start?"

I told her asap and she said tomorrow, which was about a week ago. So I volunteer about three hours a day working with the little critters they've picked up from other planets/asteroids/whatever around the galaxy. None of them are large; I'd say that the largest compares to a good-sized rat (sans tail). But all of them are wild, and many of them are adorable in that "I'm from another planet and don't touch me because I've got spines" sort of way.

I'll pick up this post later with some descriptions of these things. I do wish I could draw, but alas, it's not in the cards.

New friends, old friends......
Mood:  sad

There's something wrong with Justin.

I know I don't talk about him much on here. Maybe that's because we knew each other back on Earth, have been friends for a while, actually. And maybe because of that I feel there are privacy issues. In any case, his behavior of the past few days has made me worried enough to break that general silence.

Ever since we boarded, Justin has been a willing participant whenever some of us wanted to do something interesting, like explore or hang out or whatever. Sure, he spends a lot of time in the Drew le' tor computer labs looking up their history, or in the gardens, but he's also very out and about and sociable.

But in the past few days he's withdrawn himself from basically everybody but his Drew le' tor mentor, Memory. At first I let him be because I respect his privacy and need to work through any issues he might be having. But then Memory actually sought me out and told me to try talking to him. I really didn't want to, since I generally don't like it when someone breaks up my own introspection party, but she insisted. So I went.

And I was stupid.

He let me into his room, but once there we just didn't speak for awhile. I honestly didn't know what to say, and he puttered around his little apartment, wandering aimlessly to and fro, fiddling with his sludge machine, sitting and standing and sitting again. It was an extravagant form of pacing, I guess, and it was making me anxious.

I had to make an attempt to lighten the mood. "So," I said a little too brightly, "who died?"

Yeah, somebody shoot me.

He turned and gave me a look I can't even begin to describe, but it was somewhere between shock and rage and dead eyes. I couldn't maintain eye contact. I couldn't even maintain physical presence. I muttered a "sorry" at him, held on for a few more seconds, then quickly retreated.

I can only hope that he forgives me for that gaffe. In the meantime, I'm really worried about him. Maybe he's missing his wife at home. Or maybe somebody really did die, and he senses it or knows about it outright, and I pulled the biggest open-mouth-insert-foot in the Cosmos.

But I want him to know that, whatever is going on, he can always talk to me if/when he ever wants to, and I promise I won't try to be funny anymore.

That Bombshell and Stuff
Mood:  a-ok
Now Playing: Brian Eno -- Thursday Afternoon

Now that I've had a chance to compare, Brian Eno sounds best in space.

Anyway, so it occurred to me that anyone out there reading this chronicle o' mine might have said at the end of the last entry, "WTF???" That's how it works in my own head, anyway, that WTF. I think I couldn't discuss it until I processed it, which leads to now.

The first thing I had to process was, of course, the guilt factor. After all, technically I'm married. I know I've already been through the whole "will I ever see him again?" thing, but the fact remains that I'm married. So, even though it didn't feel like it at the time, afterwards I felt like I had done something dreadfully wrong. I had cheated on my husband.

But then I thought about who my husband is, the kind and understanding person that he is, and I really don't think he'd hold it against me. He'd be hurt, but he'd get it. Of course, this could all be just my internal justification for the experience, since I can't actually communicate with him (unless he manages to find this blog).

I have to face the idea that we ARE out here for the long haul, that my marriage ended when I boarded this ship. Even if we went back, things would be different. I wasn't able to see John before I left, and though I'm sure my dad filled him in on the situation, he's got his own issues he has to deal with about me leaving. He may also realize that I probably won't come back, and maybe he's moved on.

The point of all this internal hoo-hah is that I don't know. I don't know what the future holds, so I can only deal with the present.

Speaking of the present, I also have to deal with Nhlanhla. In addition to the fact that I still have a hard time remembering how to spell his name, I also barely know the man. I know him well enough to know that he's quiet and kind, that he's a healer, and that I'm attracted to him. But I don't know what the consequences of this action will be on his end. What does he expect? Who will he tell? How might this change the dynamic of the rest of our little group? I'm sure I'm not the only one who's attracted to him...some people around here have been chasing tail so hard it hurts to watch. But I'm pretty sure that I'm the first one he's actually had sex with on this boat. What does it mean? Does it have to mean anything?

Obviously I have to talk to him. For some reason, I'd rather not have this get everywhere until we're sure of what we're doing. I'd especially not like Michael to find out. Justin, I know you've been hanging with him, so no tell, k? I just need to do this on my own, figure out what the hell I'm doing.

Oh, and just for the record, Nhlanhla is an amazing lover. He loves to take it slow, almost too slow, but not quite. But the end of things, I was near screaming. I'm a big fan of that kind of sweet torture, apparently. Would I do it again? It all depends on what it means (or doesn't mean), and there are so many other factors.

What do I want? Who do I want? Does it matter? We're on a spaceship, hurtling through the Cosmos, destination unknown. Are we supposed to breed? Will they let us? Or do they study us and our sexual frenzy until we die?

 

I am up entirely too early. I've gotten used to sleeping in a bit here on the ship, since there's nothing really expected of me but to be me. I don't have to go to work, I don't have to study for school. I may study, but it's entirely for me and entirely on my own time. So I go to bed when I feel like it and get up the same way.

That said, I haven't been up this early in quite a while. I just woke up...restless. Not "I need to get offa this ship" restless. When I opened my eyes, the first thing that happened is that my brain turned on. And when that happens, it's impossible to go back to sleep, no matter how early it is.

So what am I thinking so urgently about? Well, I intimated in my last post that something was wrong. I think it's so. I can't quite put my finger on it, though. Of course the Drew le' tor are watching us, but that makes sense. We're still very much a sort of anthropological experiment in action, despite the length of time the aliens spent on our planet watching us. Now we're in a new environment, so they're noting our every behavior, I'm sure.

But I totally get that. I don't mind that. That makes sense.

No, it's more than that. It's not that I can point to any specific case or anything, but I get the distinct feeling that sometimes we're being, well, manipulated towards certain behaviors. I don't believe there's any ill intent with this -- after all, we're dealing with a bunch of scientists. It must be in the pursuit of scientific knowledge and understanding, right? I mean, right? Yet I can't help feeling very much like a rat in a maze, and it's not a feeling I enjoy. At all.

I'm sure I could say something about this, and it would only feed their general knowledge about how we react to these situations. Should I even be worrying about it? After all, it was my choice to join these folks and see the universe. Maybe I should just let it go and enjoy my time here: learn, grow, love, and seek.

I guess I can let it go as long as it doesn't get too extreme. They haven't hurt us (arguably), and I can perhaps soothe myself with the notion that their intentions are ultimately positive in that they might reveal themselves to all of humanity and thereby usher in a new age of peace and prosperity on planet Earth.

But I don't know what their intentions are. I can't read their minds (or Mind). All I can do is make my own observations, make guesses, and, in the end, still be quite helpless.

P.S. I had sex with Nhlanhla.

There's something rotten in the state of Denmark.

 

In space.

Back from the edge...

OH precious computer. OH precious connection to the rest of the 'verse. How I missed thee!

I've been at Death's door (or is it the other way around?) for the past few days. I know I said I was going to shut myself away for awhile, but I didn't really mean it. Then, Fate intervened. She said, "Be careful what you wish for," or something akin. And so I succumbed to some sort of disease the likes of which I have never encountered.

Though it feels very much like the flu.

I'm not sure how it happened. We were all put through the ringer, of sorts, when we boarded, and I figured I'd probably never have to worry about flu again. Colds, sure, because bacteria never seems to go away, but viruses? Can't they zap that away with the flick of a magic science gadget? Or am I just all wrong?

Suffice it to say that the past few days have been like the coming of Hell on earth, right out through all my orifices. I know that was overly dramatic and probably gross to boot, but hey, honesty IS the best policy. It's been a nightmare. I haven't really been able to get out of bed except to sort of fling myself toward the bathroom to do my bidness; at any other time, trying meant horrendifull dizzy spells which, if prolonged, led to fainting.

I've never fainted before. That oughta tell you how bad it was.

I think the Drew le' tor have been quarantining me or something, since nobody has come to visit me in my time of dying. Either that, or they were all chicken. I don't blame them. I wouldn't wish this on my old high school bullies, and lord knows they deserve it.

I'm getting better now, but I'm still weak. I'm hoping that a few more days of sucking down liquid sludge (yes, I did figure out how to make it do that quite awhile ago) will motivate my body to move beyond this and recover more quickly. I'm getting tired of looking at my ceiling, and honestly, I could use some sort of human comforting. Preferably male, at this point. Can I just bury myself into somebody's chest and be a child for awhile? "I'm sick, take care of me."

It still weirds me out that I got sick at all. Honestly, where did it come from? This ship is just so darn clean, and we've all been healthy ever since we boarded. Oh well, I guess it's just one of those things.

Taking a vacation from the human race.
Mood:  chillin'

I've spent practically the entire day in my room.

I didn't open the door for anybody, including Jennifer when she came around to harass me. I guess word spread kinda fast that I was playing the Hermit game, as people stopped knocking around late afternoon.

Oh, they all know I'm alright; I told One to tell everybody that I just need some me time. I'm sure, as Zero monitors all our vitals, that everybody knows I'm physically well. I'm just rather emotionally labile. It's a mental/emotional health day, away from all species.

I did sneak out about 3pm or so to the kitchen to get something besides sludge food. I didn't run into anybody, thank the Cosmos. Picked a dead hour on purpose. And I told One not to tell anybody I was headed out. I guess he did as I asked because when I got back there was a little package sitting outside my door. Someone figured I was still in there.

Back in my room, I opened up the soft, badly wrapped package to find a little blue bear. It seemed like some sort of weird hybrid between a human teddy bear and an alien child's toy, since it was the same color blue as everything else on the ship. Anyway, attached to this bear was a note that read, "I hope it wasn't me." How incredibly cryptic.

And of course it wasn't signed.

This is why I'm shut up in here. People drive me bonkers. I may have to sit out a few more days.

Lemme off!!!
Mood:  irritated
Now Playing: fuck you

Oh my GOD I want off this fucking ship!!!

Wait....*deep breath* let me rephrase. I won't want off the ship. I want OTHER PEOPLE off the ship. 

Does this thing have airlocks?

Wow am I pissed. Maybe leftover hormones are making it worse. Or maybe this is 'cabin fever' or something. And I'm trying to find something decent to listen to, but it's just.....not........working!! ARGH!!!

The problem is that I can never really get away from these people. I mean, I can for awhile, but there's only so much time I can spend around other places on the ship without having to come back to get food or wash or just having Jennifer track me down like a bloodhound and ever so politely remind me that I need to be taking sup with the other humans.

I'm SICK of some of these humans. Seriously.

We really only get to see our small groups. When we saw Jupiter, that was the only time we were with more people than just our own lunch crew, and it made me feel good to know that our little group wasn't "it" for the whole ship. But we haven't seen any of those people since. I wonder if they're doing this to us on purpose. Maybe it's an experiment. Maybe they want to see if we'll get violent with each other. Because honestly, I could. Right now, I could.

I know I'm being vague. I'm trying to calm down. It's not even that big a deal. Under other circumstances, I might even be happy with what's going on around here. See, the thing is that apparently I'm liked by practically everyone else. Why is this a problem, you ask?

I'm simply not used to it.

I'm not used to so many people demanding so much of my time. Being sociable is exhausting for me under the best of circumstances, and I can't hang around others for more than a couple of hours without becoming bored and restless. There are very few people I know with whom I can spend more than that long with and be cool with it, with them not getting on my nerves or making me anxious.

So, now, with nothing else to take my time away from getting to know folks, I feel like I'm being bombarded with requests to "hang out." It's not like once every couple of weeks like I'm used to. It's every fucking DAY.

I know this must seem crazy to some folks. Pissed off because people want to hang out with you? Tiffany, you are batty. You need to be in an insane asylum. Get thee hence.

But it's true. Okay, there are a couple people here I can stand to hang with on a more or less constant basis. Justin's my buddy from back home, so he's always welcome, of course. And this again might be my hormones talking, but I can hang with a couple of the guys because I'm attracted to them and/or find them oh so mysterioso. Michael. Nhlanhla. In fact, Nhlanhla and I spent an entire day together here a couple days ago, wandering the ship and talking about spirituality and our backgrounds and it was uber cool.

Everyone else, though.....

I have discovered that Zaira is young. I mean immature young, stupid young, and I just can't abide that. She reminds me of one of my students. Oi!

And Linda is clingy. I was really nice to her in the beginning because I can totally relate to how she might be feeling. It hasn't been THAT long since I was really large myself. But after a few meetings she decided that we were best friends, and she's just so darn desperate. It's just uncomfortable, especially when she won't take a hint and go away. I don't want to be mean to her, but dayum, Gina!

Amy and I were getting along at first, of course, but that might have run its course by now. We don't have a lot in common, but we still hang out because, well, we're apparently not allowed to hang out with anyone else but this group. The same is true of Adrien and Lord Jim, our resident "old farts," who frankly would rather hang out with each other because maybe they feel they can't keep up with the rest of us? Whatever. Anyway, some of the things Adrien says sometimes just rankle. In a nutshell, I find him annoying.

There are a couple folks I haven't hung out much with. Kaori and Elizabeth remain somewhat elusive. Mayhap I should switch my attention to them and see if anything better develops. But Kaori is young (another possible student type situation), and Elizabeth...well, she just scares me in the sense that she's an ultra bohemian, and I might not fit into HER realm.

But I really need to do something before I wind up going postal on one of the others.

Oh my god. There's a knock at my door. Can't they just leave me alone???

I got to see Jupiter!!!
Mood:  incredulous
Now Playing: The hum of the Thesse' le'llon

If anything could ever wipe out any homesickness I might be feeling, it would be seeing a planet up close. Well, about as close as I'm probably ever going to get, anyway.

Us humans (and there were more there than just the crew I do meals with, by far, axing the notion that we were the only ones on board) were invited to one of the big observation decks so that the Drew le' tor could treat us to a view of Jupiter. After missing Mars, I hinted, nay, flat-out told Jennifer that I wanted to see the next planet we got close to. I guess they had figured we weren't interested or something? Whatever. I've been dying to see some of the "space" part of this whole space venture.

And see we did. As the lights dimmed and the stars became visible, I gasped slightly as I got my first closeup of my ruling planet. (I'm a Sagittarius, remember, so it's all about the Jupiter, baybee.) I think they'd been waiting until we could get a view of the infamous red spot, that gaseous thunderstorm that's always present, always like an eye staring out from the planet body. And when I saw it, I nearly started crying. I can't even begin to describe the feeling I got upon seeing what I had only seen in pictures. We were staring down, and the red eye stared back at us, and there was a terrible, wonderful lurch in my heart. I realized how far from home we were, how far we might yet go, and suddenly I couldn't wait to get out of the solar system, beyond, seeing things I can't even imagine right now. It's a sci-fi nerd's dream come true. I might have even had a mini-orgasm. I know I felt something shoot up my spine at viewing the Father of the solar system, much like a spontaneous Kundalini rising.

And then, in the dark while we gazed upon the eye of Jupiter, somebody grabbed my hand. I have no idea who it was; it was too dark to see anything but the stars outside, the giant planet below us. And I didn't even try to find out who it was. The grasp seemed familiar, and yet not. Absorbed as I was in trying to control myself and not break down sobbing, all I could do was squeeze in return the hand that squeezed mine.

The aliens are planning to tootle around the area while they do more research on some of Jupiter's moons, Io and Callisto and the rest. So there might be another viewing. Oh, I hope so!